I have just realised my blog turned one this week. It has been an interesting journey writing about my adventures in adultery. In fact, I can’t imagine not having this blog to express my thoughts, feelings and ideas. It has become my companion, my sanctuary and strangely, this is where I feel most comfortable, most like ‘me’.
One year on and these things I know:
– I love my ‘secret’ life. It is a part of me that no one else can influence, a statement of independence, of my own identity. I often wonder whether I would choose to live my life differently and every time I come to the conclusion that I would not. I simply cannot imagine it. This little sliver of my life is what makes me feel alive.
– I know that every adventure will end in a little heartbreak. They will always stay with their wives, be consumed by their responsibilities as fathers, husbands or find new girlfriends and not wish to betray them. And so I write about them, our shared moments, the frustrations, the feelings I cannot express to them. Because of course, I would not want them to leave their wives and families for me. Every new affair has a natural end, every lover a different chapter.
– I love learning a new lover’s touch – the initial infatuation, the tingle of anticipation, the pain of separation and the thrill of new physical sensations. Every lover has a unique touch, every lover draws a different climax, every lover consumes me in a different way.
– I am glad I ‘outed’ myself to Moriarty and grateful to him for being non-judgemental about my little adventures. It has been wonderful to talk openly with someone who knows me, to share thoughts, ideas, experiences with someone who leads his own double life. He has opened my eyes to a world I had no idea about. And he has made me incredibly curious about delving into this world.
– I miss my older lover. I miss his scent, his taste, his incredible touch.
– I wonder whether my marriage will last. The more time I spend as the ‘real’ me, the wider the gap between the ‘married’ me becomes. I wonder whether that gap is one that can be bridged, or one I want to bridge.
– I do not regret anything.
This is who I am.