Anais Nin

One of my favourite authors.

Today, I was in desperate need of a book to read. I popped into a bookshop at lunchtime and found a copy of ‘A spy in the house of love’. I first read it a few years ago. Even then, I connected with Sabina instantly. I read this passage today and wanted to share it:

” Alan [Sabina’s husband] says my eyes are beautiful, but I cannot see them, to me they are lying eyes, my mouth lies, only a few hours ago it was kissed by another … He is kissing the mouth kissed by another … shame … shame … shame … the lies, the lies … The clothes he is hanging up for me with such care were caressed and crushed by another, the other was so impatient he crushed and tore at my dress. I had no time to undress. It is this dress he is hanging up lovingly … can I forget yesterday, forget the vertigo, this wildness, can I come home and stay home? Sometimes I cannot bear the quick changes of scene, the quick transitions, I cannot make the changes smoothly, from one relationship to another. Some parts of me tear off like a fragment, fly here and there. I lose vital parts of myself, some part of me stays in that hotel room, a part of me is walking away from this place of haven, a part of me is following another as he walks down the street alone, or perhaps not alone: someone may take my place at his side while I am here, that will be my punishment, and someone will take my place here when I leave. I feel guilty for leaving each one alone, I feel responsible for their being alone, and I feel guilty twice over, towards both men. Wherever I am, I am in many pieces, not daring to bring them all together, any more than I would dare to bring the two men together. Now I am here where I will not be hurt, for a few days at least I will not be hurt in any way, by any word or gesture … but I am not all of me here, only half of me is being sheltered.”

If you haven’t read it, read it.

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