The end of the affair(s) – part one

As I watch the snow gently falling outside and the black silhouette of the lifeless tree against the grey sky, I can’t help but feel the end of an affair is near. Perhaps, after two years, my older lover and I are in the winter of our relationship.

We met at a party in London last week. It was the first time in six months. The last time we kissed goodbye it was early summer. The sun shone brightly and there was hope, a lightness, an optimism in the air. It was also then that I gave him a drawing, a birthday present. A drawing that now, apparently, hangs in his marital bedroom.

I arrived at the party, excited at the prospect of seeing him. My eyes scanned the room when I entered, but I couldn’t see him and so chatted to strangers, looking up expectantly every time a guest arrived. It wasn’t until an hour or so later that I saw him. He had been there the whole time. We chatted amidst others, trying to keep the conversation casual. Eventually we left the party together. It was a late hour and there was no plan to go on together. We walked and talked, kissing in doorways. I told him I was in love with him. I told him how much I missed him. How sad I was that we had not seen each other in six months, despite many attempts on my part to make it happen. He asked why I never write in our blog anymore. Why I am so distant. I got into a taxi. He got on his scooter. We have not spoken since.

In my mind, I make excuses for him – his redundancy, search for a new job, father of three kids, etc., etc. That is why it has been so difficult for us to meet when I have been in London. But then I think that if he really wanted to, he would make it happen. He does not commit, does not make plans. It is all left to the last minute, to fate. He fails to realise the lengths to which I have gone and will go to see him. The lies I tell, the money I spend. And so I told him that. I also told him how I had realised that I will never be his focus. His family and wife will always come first. And that makes me ever so slightly sad.

I am not entirely sure what new phase of our relationship last Friday night marks. I worry it is the end. It leaves me feeling empty. Cold.

If it is the end of my affair with my older lover, then I do not regret my time with him. He was, after all, the best fuck I’ve ever had. He raised the bar. He gave me the best oral sex I have ever had. I shall miss him.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “The end of the affair(s) – part one

  1. That makes me feel sad for you. Out of all of your lovers he has always been my favourite one – the one I felt you connected with the most.

    I mean this with all the love and respect, but isn’t the irony thick that it’s common for the ‘other woman’ to feel jilted that they aren’t their lovers sole focus? You never were in the first place. (I don’t mean that sound harsh.)

    Question: If older lover ever said to you “Be with me – only me – for the rest of your life”, would you?

    If this truly is the end of you two, that makes me feel sad for you. And sad for me b/c he was so incredible to read about in bed…

    (hug)

    • You raise some very interesting questions. Would I be with him and him alone if he asked? I can imagine it, but I cannot imagine my life without my husband. He and I are so inextricably linked.
      I think I wrote in one blog post that I cannot imagine my life without my older lover. This still holds true and so even if it means I can only see him once every six months, then I would rather live with that, than not at all.
      And then this morning he emailed me suggesting we meet next week. My heart skipped a beat and I feel elated once more. I hope this means a thaw in our ‘winter’.
      I will let you know what happens. Thank you for your supportive and insightful comment.

      • I hope you realize that I didn’t mean my comment to come across as argumentative. I really do have a world of respect for you.
        I remember that post that you said you could never live without older lover… I remember them all. So beautifully written and so REAL.

        I wrote a blog about you last night. It’s scheduled to come out late tonight. I talk about how much I love your posts, I am smitten with your sexuality and how it doesn’t surprise me that I don’t judge your infidelity.

        Have a read and know that I mean no offence.

        You surprise me when you say that you and your husband are inextricably linked. Would you consider writing a post that tells your reader why?
        xo

  2. Your feedback and blog post have certainly got me thinking and I will write something in the hope of explaining, and perhaps better understanding myself why I do what I do and how this relates to my husband. Will keep you posted.

  3. Pingback: Mortality of the older lover | Serialadulterer's Blog

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