As I watch the snow gently falling outside and the black silhouette of the lifeless tree against the grey sky, I can’t help but feel the end of an affair is near. Perhaps, after two years, my older lover and I are in the winter of our relationship.
We met at a party in London last week. It was the first time in six months. The last time we kissed goodbye it was early summer. The sun shone brightly and there was hope, a lightness, an optimism in the air. It was also then that I gave him a drawing, a birthday present. A drawing that now, apparently, hangs in his marital bedroom.
I arrived at the party, excited at the prospect of seeing him. My eyes scanned the room when I entered, but I couldn’t see him and so chatted to strangers, looking up expectantly every time a guest arrived. It wasn’t until an hour or so later that I saw him. He had been there the whole time. We chatted amidst others, trying to keep the conversation casual. Eventually we left the party together. It was a late hour and there was no plan to go on together. We walked and talked, kissing in doorways. I told him I was in love with him. I told him how much I missed him. How sad I was that we had not seen each other in six months, despite many attempts on my part to make it happen. He asked why I never write in our blog anymore. Why I am so distant. I got into a taxi. He got on his scooter. We have not spoken since.
In my mind, I make excuses for him – his redundancy, search for a new job, father of three kids, etc., etc. That is why it has been so difficult for us to meet when I have been in London. But then I think that if he really wanted to, he would make it happen. He does not commit, does not make plans. It is all left to the last minute, to fate. He fails to realise the lengths to which I have gone and will go to see him. The lies I tell, the money I spend. And so I told him that. I also told him how I had realised that I will never be his focus. His family and wife will always come first. And that makes me ever so slightly sad.
I am not entirely sure what new phase of our relationship last Friday night marks. I worry it is the end. It leaves me feeling empty. Cold.
If it is the end of my affair with my older lover, then I do not regret my time with him. He was, after all, the best fuck I’ve ever had. He raised the bar. He gave me the best oral sex I have ever had. I shall miss him.