It has been such a long time since I last felt those initial thrills and butterflies. And I didn’t plan this one at all.
We have a mutual friend, the brother of my female friend (it gets complicated). The potential new lover, I shall call him M&A as he is in mergers and acquisitions, is of the Emerald Isle. He has a satisfyingly uncomplicated physique, a marathon runner and a rugby player. He is neither too wiry, nor too bulky. His face is kind, neatly chiselled and he has wonderful laughter lines hinting at his 39 years. He has also recently come out of a major break-up. She left him. He was devastated and has been self-medicating the Irish way ever since.
And so for that reason I suppose we ended up in a club together, me swallowing his cum in a dark stairway early one Saturday morning. It was not the first time we’d met. I remember him from a previous occasion the year before, when he was there with his girlfriend. But this was the first time we’d really talked. We got on. I liked his acerbic wit, his party instincts, his desire to let go. I think I recognised the need to push the boundaries, to live life teetering on the edge of that abyss. He is there, I have been there and so we took the plunge together.
He complimented me on my blow job and asked to see me again. I fear our mutual friend noted our sudden absence and I am sure he suspects. But the deed was done. No going back, no regretting. A follow up lunch at his club in London and a mutual pact not to tell anyone has meant we move on to the next stage: the affair.
Of course, he is single. That makes it complicated. He does not have the same need for secrecy that I do. He may well also harbour judgemental views on adultery. I don’t know. But, I like him. I am curious about his body. I think both of us need a physical outlet. He needs to feel wanted again, no strings attached. I just need a fuck and the thrill of the new with the danger of the forbidden. And so he suggested meeting for lunch before xmas. A long lunch, at his place, or a hotel. I am excited and apprehensive. A new lover requires energy, time and an emotional investment (however small). It raises conflicts in me about the decision to try for a baby with the husband. I know a new lover would provide the necessary distraction from focusing my attentions on the whole ‘family’ question. But even as I write these doubts, I know full well that in a week’s time, I will be undressing in front of him and letting him explore my body as I close my eyes and succumb to the blackness.