I’m not sure what is going on in my head. Perhaps it has been this flu, a slight temperature causing an imbalance in my normal thought processes. Or perhaps it is watching the entire series of BBC’s “Mistresses” from my sickbed. I don’t know. All I know, is that I am waiting for my husband to return from a brief business trip and I am trying to decide whether to fuck him sans-condom in two hours time. Am I going mad?
I’ve never wanted children and even now I don’t think I do. But something is niggling away inside. Is it just boredom? Curiosity? I suppose at the same time I just have this feeling that I probably can’t get pregnant. Not that I’ve ever tried. There have been some reckless near misses with some of my lovers. It would spell an end to my current life, cut short all the plans I have been forging – going back to studying, starting up a business…
It would also mean a change to my marriage, making it a more permanent thing I suppose. And of course, it would put an end to my double life as a serial adulterer, at least for a little while. I am wracked by fear, repulsion and grief for the life I would lose if I did get pregnant. My mood on this subject swings from one extreme to the other. It is a decision that cannot be reversed once made.
It must be the fever.