Is it just me?

Sometimes I wonder why I cheat. How did it start? Why do I do it? Do I have a sex-addiction? Or am I just addicted to the adrenalin of the forbidden? And then there’s the guilt. Or rather the complete lack of guilt. Why do I not feel any sense of remorse or regret for what I do? Am I lacking a sense of morality? Am I some kind of sociopath? Am I the only one? Is it just me?

I’ve read a number of articles about adultery and serial adultery. My first observation is that most are written about men. The underlying assumption is always – ‘men just can’t help themselves, it’s in their DNA, oh, and their poor wives who are left holding the baby ‘. Take the recent stories about Tiger Woods, Sandra Bullock’s husband etc, etc. So is it just men doing this? Is there some innate higher morality that women internalise as children, which means they would never do such a thing? Or are women just better at hiding their adultery? For every man having an affair, there is another woman (or many, if he is like me).

The only place I have found any voice for adulterous women is in the blog sphere. It provides both comfort and relief to know that there are others, that I am not the only one. I wonder how many of the women sitting on the tube, or waiting in line at the supermarket are thinking about their younger lover, the night they will spend in a hotel with another married man, the web of lies they will need to weave to escape their husbands or boyfriends tomorrow night…

If my affair track record is anything to go by, then the husbands you would least suspect of having an affair are probably having an affair. I wonder if the same is true of women?

I’d love to know what your experiences are, do let me know.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Is it just me?

  1. I very much wonder these same things too. What is wrong with me, that I can be so deceitful and feel no guilt? How I can fuck one man and kiss my husband with heartfelt love within the hour, my lovers scent and sweat still fresh on my body? I am always looking for potential lovers, evaluating men I come in contact with, I have lately felt like a predator and that is quite a new thing as I have always been in the past (and still am) actively pursued.

    The only time I have felt guilt is when I tried to seduce a man who had no previous intention of cheating. I felt terribly guilty toward his wife. Other men who are actively cheating or seeking to cheat I feel no guilt toward either them or their wives or my husband. I read cheated wife blogs, god there are so many of them out there, to see if they can trigger feelings of guilt. It doesn’t.

    I do feel like a sociopath, and often wondered whether I am a sex addict or if I am trying to fill some void in my personality with sex, some missing element in my psychological makeup… am I this way because I was abused? Because I am selfish? Because I have low self esteem? Because I don’t know any other way to validate myself other than sexually? Perhaps because my husband denies my sexuality so thoroughly?

    I have one friend that has confided her infidelities to me. Her husband knows, but chooses to look the other way and pretend that her weekly out of town visits are for something entirely work related. He would be mortified if he knew I know this. She confided to me because I recognised some of my own behaviours in her and I asked her. I have not told her about my own indiscretions, I have far too strong sense of self-preservation than that.

    Myself, on the outside I am such an ordinary woman. I know I look so unlikely to cheat. So mundane and plain. I put his down to that when I was much younger I learned to wear socially acceptable masks as a part of my every day self, and became an extremely believable liar. I am aware that the masks of church mouse and good wife protect my societal place. I like to have people’s good opinion. But I have a black heart that scares even myself, and I dare not reveal it to any. I find I can usually pick out others wearing masks over their own black hearts relatively easily. The wife beaters, the child abusers, the adulterers.

    This is not really where I thought my reply to your post was going to go, and I do apologise for getting off track! I don’t know if any of it at all is helpful or insightful or relatable to you.

    Soph x

    • Your comments and thoughts are particularly helpful, Soph, so thank you very much for taking the time to write them. I recognise some similar traits you describe, the masks, being a good and believable liar, not wanting to confide in others. I myself have only one friend who knows the full extent of my actions and I told her relatively recently. I am lucky in that she is not judgmental, but very supportive. I have also found writing this blog incredibly helpful in trying to understand what is going on in my head.

      The strange thing, and perhaps one of the main reasons I am like this, is that I know no one will ever know the real me. Each lover, my husband, friends – they all only see that part of me I choose to reveal to them. I have carved out a private sphere that no one can enter. Perhaps this is a reaction to being classified and branded part of a “couple”, of not having my own identity outside of my marriage. I’ve always been fiercely independent and so perhaps this is my way of asserting this independence again. I’m not sure. What I do know is that I feel more alive than I ever have since living MY life again.

  2. I know exactly why I look for company elsewhere. It’s because I’m ignored at home. My boyfriend is always at work, or the gym, hanging out with the guys, playing video games, or doing something at home for work. It’s not that he doesn’t want to fuck me, it’s that I’m not important enough to him to make me want to stay. I am dead last in his list of priorities so I go somewhere where I can be first… at least for a little while.

    Even though I feel slighted and totally justified in my behavior, I still feel guilty. Not so much for what I do, but for what I don’t tell him. I would love to tell my best friend (boyfriend) about someone new that I met, or how great the sex was, or how much fun I had with someone else. Keeping it in is what’s eating me up.

    As for you, the fact that you’re introspective on the matter and bother to question why you don’t feel guilt is proof positive that you’re not a psychopath.

    • Rocker 38

      If your boyfriend is not fulfilling your needs, why just not leave him and find someone that does? If you have no kids or marriage to keep you together, why do you stay with him? Makes no sense to me, if your relationship before you marry the guy is less than satisfying, move on and find one that is. Everybody deserves to be loved the way they desire so if he doesn’t do it for you, then find someone that does.

  3. fiend.

    I do it because… I like it. As simple and selfish as that. At least, that’s what I think the reason is today.

    Some days it feels more like a compulsion, and that’s when I worry.

    But no matter what the reason is, I feel guilt all the time. It’s either guilt over what I’ve done or guilt over not feeling guilty for it.

    And I’ve enjoyed pouring over your blog.

  4. How does it all start, and where does it end…. I started, well I started with rules about what a monogamous person needs to retain their own sense of self. Flirting, physical touch, no mouth kissing and no vaginal intercourse. SIGH, guess we aren’t made to stop there. The guilt kills me, once a month, for about a week, LOL, I really don’t get it, but it so helps me to read you and others posts, cause then I don’t feel so alone and so crazy. Society has a large stigma on women that cheat.

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